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Mr Bean jokes
Posted on April 09, 10 @ 10:04 am under Jokes and has no comments.
1) MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR:
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumour.
Mr. Bean : Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean : Yes of course, do you think Iím dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean : Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, youíve just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean : Iíd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean : Any will do, my grandson doesnít know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean : I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean : four asterisks (****)!
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean : 16
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean : Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean : What do you mean ok, I thought itís a horror film. I didnít see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean : Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean crying) the
doctor called, Momís dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean : my sister just called, her mom died too!
MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague : Sorry Iím late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : Thatís alright, me tooÖI got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) SPELLING LESSON:
Mr. Beanís Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successfulÖ.is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean : Make it three c to be sure!
L E M O N J U I C E
Posted on March 11, 10 @ 06:18 pm under Jokes and has no comments.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a Rs 10,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people like weightlifters, wrestlers, body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a safari suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the Rs 10,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
"No," replied the man.
"I work as a project manager in a software company !"
Side effects of working in the IT sector
Posted on September 10, 09 @ 06:54 pm under Jokes and has no comments.
I once went out to the market wearing my ID card and did not realize till my friend told me why I was wearing it !!!!
Few days back I slept at 11:30 in the ni8 and woke up in the morning at 7:00 and suddenly thought that I haven't completed 9.15 hours and laughed at myself when I realised abt that.
One from me too...
Just after our training completion in Mysore Dc and postings to Pune, me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants. .
And as I finished.. I started walking towards the Basin with plates in my hand.. :)
Jus to add...
Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "why is she not attending the status call?"
I don't login to orkut, yahoo, gmail, youtube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way.
Till I realize - I am at home.
Yeah sometimes it do happens with me also........ ....while writing personal mails also........ .I jus use the way as if I am writing to onsite or some senior person...... ..
Jus forget that we are jus mailing our friends..... .........
And keeping hands in front of tap for waiting water to drop by itself is very frequent with me.......... .....I jus forget that we have to turn on and off the tap......... ..
Once after talking to one of my friend. I ended the conversation saying ..." Ok bye...in case of any issues will call u back"
Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message
from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe its in the recycle bin
I was about to throw my hanky into the bin after drying my hand.
Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the door with the keys.
Kinda a same experience for me too..
I gave my office mail id and pwd to access Gmail and wondered when did they become invalid???
I have a experience to share tooo .. I was earlier working at the back office of an international Bank. We used to 'dispatch' lot of Credit / Debit cards and statements for the customers and track its delivery later.
Once my granma was admitted in a hospital, my team mate once casually asked me " howz ur granma doing now ? still in hospital ? " ... and i replied to her " She is better now , she will dispatched from the hospital tomorrow !"
This was followed by a loud laugh in the entire bay !
Once I went to a pharmacy n asked for a tab....pharmacist asked whr I want 250mg r 500mg.....suddenly I replied as 256mg...lol. ...thank god he didn't noticed tht....
Me getting a thought of doing an Alt+Tab while switching from a news channel to the DVD while watching TV.
And I - after a forty hour marathon in Bhubaneshwar with Powerbuilder, decided to take a break and went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the silver screen!
Few of my friends and myself decided to go out for dinner. The place wasn't fixed yet. I said we shall decide it "run time"
When I went to a movie theatre from office directly.. I showed the guy at the entrance my ID card and walked in... he had to call me back asking the ticket...
One late night when I went home after work, I was trying to flash my id card to open the lock and only after few secs, I realised what i'm trying to do
Once I went to have juice at the local juice vendor and innocuously asked him whether he had a plain 'version' of lemonade.
Few years back my shogun engine stopped on Bangalore MG Road as the petrol came to reserve. I told my friend I need to restart my bike!
The other day I was hearing one guy talking of a "Standalone" house.. when he was actually intending a independent house... Poor broker shud have tuff time trying to find a " Alone house standing in a huge empty area... " don't know what interpretations the guy must have made.
Man, wife and dog
Posted on August 22, 09 @ 08:56 pm under Jokes and has no comments.
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most Unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue."
Award winning poem
Posted on August 22, 09 @ 08:55 pm under Jokes and has no comments.
A COMPETITION ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THELEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE
This is the winner:-
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ď'Go to hell.Ē'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime
Evergreen Lovers :) Tutumon & Tintumol
Posted on July 14, 09 @ 07:41 pm under Jokes and has no comments.
I love you. My dream I see you. Everywhere you. You no, I live no.
I come red shirt 2morrow. You love I, you come red frock. I wait down
mango tree. You no come, i jump train. Sure come...
Std 1 B
Darling, your letter mama see. Papa beat me beat me so many beat me.
I cry. i cry. So no come to mango tree. No jump train. I love you.
See another day. I no red frock. Only green.
You love me, you love me you green shirt. Give I gift. I see you with pinkumol.
Where you go.. NO talk to her. Okay My dream also only you
T-shirt one liners
Posted on December 28, 08 @ 03:11 pm under Jokes and has no comments.
What are you looking at ?
I am romantically challenged!
What are you looking at ?
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I was born intelligent but education ruined me...!!
I am not totally useless because i can be used as an example of Useless
SILENT and LISTEN are spelt with the same letters!
IMPROVE EVERYTHING WE TOUCH
You can kick me with your lips.
Come front(BackSide) Look Back(Front)
My girlfriend said i need to more affectionate
Now i Have two girlsfriends
Girl- All men are idiots And I married their king.
Letter from Banta Singh Bill Gates
Posted on December 14, 08 @ 08:01 pm under Jokes and has no comments.
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
9. You provided "My Recent Documents". When you will provide "My Past Documents"?
10. You provide "My Network Places". For God sake please do not provide "My Secret Places". I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
11. Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?
What else is the problem?
Posted on December 05, 08 @ 05:53 am under Jokes and has no comments.
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
Browsers vs Political Parties in Andhra Pradesh
Posted on October 19, 08 @ 11:09 am under Jokes and has no comments.
Internet Explorer - Telugu Desam Party
Once ruled the kingdom and now loosing its share in the browser market.
Mozilla Firefox - Congress
Addressing all the needs and understanding the low level requirements. Thus becoming popular day by day.
Opera - BJP
With eye candy interface and a major player in Indian Political Internet.
Google Chrome - Chiranjeevi's Praja Rajyam Party
Browser with very few facilties and one basic need - viewing webpages without any corruption
Konqueror - TRS (and all telengana demanding parties)
Main dependancy is to run on a seperate Linux KDE - Kindly Divert Everyone
Epiphany - CPM
One man army running alone on the concept of socialism.
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